Quote of the Day, 1-23-09

“For those of you who are confused as to whether or not you’re a real American, it’s quite simple. Let me see if I can help you out. [pulls out a dry-erase board and writes the following equation] Just multiply your town’s population (P) by the average price of a local cup of coffee (picture of coffee cup), plus its number of art-house movie theaters (house), times the number of streets named after Martin Luther King, Jr. (MLK); then divide by the number of pieces of identification you need to buy Sudafed in your town (pill), times the number of people who wear trucker hats in your town minus the actual number of truckers (trucker hat), multiply that by 1 over the houses of worship—not counting synagogues, of course (cross)—minus the number of bars in your town. That’s supposed to be a bottle. If the answer equals less than 10, congratulations, odds are very good that you’re a real American.” -Jon Stewart, The Daily Show

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Clowns to the Left of Me, Jokers to the Right

Okay, I’ve dished out some criticism some of the anti-Israeli people out there.  So, just to be fair, it’s time for some pwnage of pro-Israeli Americans, and it’s not like this is really hard.  Honestly, it’s like shooting goldfish in a bowl.  Their analogies are the worst ever.  For instance, there’s George Will, saying, “All Americans know what we would be doing if rockets were landing in San Diego from Tijuana.”  (I like Jon Stewart’s response: “Yeah!  We’d open them up and pull out the tequila and hookers!  Am I right, people?  It’s a frickin’ Tijuana rocket!  If you can’t go to spring break, they’ll just fire it to you!”)  Let’s flip these analogies (the rest are pretty much the same).  What if you and your family, along with 1.5 million other souls, have been forced to live, for the past several years, in a very densely populated area.  The economy is virtually nonexistent, and there are some yahoos in the area lighting off rockets at the country keeping you hemmed in.  You’d rather just get on with your life, without all the douchebaggery from both the neighborhood yahoos and the (de facto) occupying power.  Then one day, the people surrounding you get tired of those pesky little rockets (they are, by the by, pretty much all bark and no bite), and start a massive air, ground and naval assault.  They put on a smiley face and say, “We are doing everything we can to minimze civilian casualties.”  And yet you and your family are in the thick of it.  People defending the actions of the occupiers say, “But they warned people to get away before they started bombing.”  The only problem, of course, is that everywhere is a target, and so all the messages do is, in effect, is scare you.  For several weeks, bombs and artillery shells rain down all around you.  Nowhere is safe, and if you go out, you’re liable to get caught in the crossfire.  So do you think you would feel warm and fuzzy things towards the people who are bombing the shit out of your home?  My guess…no.  That is the Palestinians’ perspective.  Before you start barfing out uncritical support of Israel, let’s have some perspective, and see it another way.  And that’s the way it is.

P.S. This is the Daily Show clip about Gaza.  It is excellent.

Quote of the Day, 1-6-09

“Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, “fair and balanced? Why, that’s snide!” Yeah, okay, maybe they’re not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan “You Can Depend on CNN”. Guess what? I watch it, no you can’t. So what’s the difference?” -Jon Stewart

(H/T Wikiquote)

Quote of the Day, 12-22-08

“If I was to really get at the burr in my saddle, it’s not politics – and this is, I think, probably a horrible analogy – but I look at politicians as, they are doing what inherently they need to do to retain power. Their job is to consolidate power. When you go to the zoo and you see a monkey throwing poop, you go, ‘that’s what monkeys do, what are you gonna do?’ But what I wish the media would do more frequently is say ‘bad monkey.'” -Jon Stewart, September 29, 2004

(H/T Wikiquote)

By the way, I’m terribly sorry about not having a Quote of the Day for the last week.  My little brother was hogging the Internet computer in our house.  But I’m back!  And just to let you know, February will be the Month of Montaigne.  As in Michel de Montaigne, French philosopher and inventor of the essay.  I’m going to be reading his book Essays and reflecting on it.  And all of the Quotes of the Day for that month will be from Montaigne, unless something comes up.  Happy holidays (or whatever)!

Quote of the Day, 11-21-08

“You know what’s interesting, though? You’re as big a dick on your show as you are on any show….You have a responsibility to the public discourse, and you fail miserably….You’re on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?” -Jon Stewart, on Crossfire, October 15, 2008

And, after the dust had settled…

They said I wasn’t being funny. And I said to them, “I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.” -Jon Stewart