Open Letter to Israel

Dear Israel,
How’s it going? Probably not so well, huh? Well, let’s hear no more moaning from you. No more, “Oh, but the naughty Palestinians are launching rockets into our lands.  They’re really loud, and we get so startled when they hit!”  I don’t care how startled people are getting, your suffering is not nearly on the level of the Palestinians in Gaza.  Nowhere near that.  Ok?  This is not at all anti-Semitism, it’s just the truth.  So no more whining about the Qassams, please?  See, when a few mosquitos sting you, you don’t get rid of them by blasting away with a machine gun.  You might kill something or someone who isn’t a mosquito, and it’s a terribly inefficient way of killing mosquitos.

Face it, this whole offensive thing is not going to work.  The only way, militarily, you could possibly get rid of Palestinian attacks is if you totally wiped them off the map, like the U.S. did with the Native Americans.  And then everyone in the world would hate you, and the state of Israel would die, since much of your economy is based on foreign trade.

But I’d like to ask a question here, and this is more directed at the high-level chaps and chappesses in the Israeli government: What have you folks been smoking?  For f@&%’s sake, do you even have any sort of strategic goal other than “Kill Hamas”?  How could you have possibly been so stupid as to go into a conflict like this without any real strategic goals?  That has to be the very first rule of warfare: know what the f@&% you want to do before you start doing it.  And your public relations stuff has been s%&#ty as hell.  Okay, it’s not enough to have Twitter and YouTube, you need to have a good message to put on it, or else you’re just wasting server space.

And anyway, let’s face it, people draw their own conclusions.  We goyim out here are not idiots.  When Palestinian dead rise to over a thousand, and there are less than 20 Israeli dead, we can see the disparity.  We can count.

In the end, folks, all this will do is cause the radicalization of a new generation of Palestinians.  Perhaps, when you’re not “accidentally” bombing UN compounds, or claiming they were somehow chock-full of Hamas fighters, you could read this blog post at World Politics Review, about Hamas and the Palestinian will to resist.

The lesson here?  Something that I would have thought Israel, of all people, would have already learned.  You can’t bomb the s%&# out of people and expect them to like you.  It’s very simple.

Oh, and those settlers out in the West Bank?  Put a leash on those stupid motherf@&%ers before they cause another huge uprising in the West Bank.  That would not be cool.  In fact, even if they don’t cause an uprising, you should hold onto them tightly, because they appear to be colossal pricks.  Oh, and pardon my language.  Hope there weren’t any children around (a rule you would be wise to apply to explosive devices).

Stay classy,



Let’s All Calm Down Now: Gaza Edition


Welcome to my new whenever-necessary feature, Let’s All Calm Down Now.  Today on Let’s All Calm Down Now, the war in Gaza.  First, let me explain something.  My RSS reader, which I read as often as possible, contains a lot of blogs.  Some of those blogs (not all) may be found on my blogroll.  There are three blogs in particular that I am singling out to calm down before they either jump the shark or get so extreme that I get a bad taste in my mouth.  Our first “Calmy” recipient is the Counterterrorism Blog.

This Calmy goes out to the folks over at CB because they appear to be in a constant state of paranoia over some very small things.  Chill out, folks.  As Hunter S. Thompson once said, “Paranoia is just another word for ignorance.”  Oh, and they are very, very pro-Israel.  When they look at the Gaza Strip, all that they see is Hamas.  And I think everyone else can agree that Hamas is not the only thing in Gaza.  There are nearly 1.5 million people in the Gaza Strip, and most are innocent civilians.  Here’s a tip, guys: We’ll never get rid of the real terrorists if we keep dismissing civilian deaths as collateral damage, a la Rummy.  And no, Israel is not the best country on God’s green earth.

But, by the same token, neither are they Nazi Germany, which brings me to the second Calmy being awarded today.  As’ad AbuKhalil is a professor at California State University Stanislaus and the author of the blog known as The Angry Arab News Service.  AbuKhalil makes repeated references to Israelis as Nazis, which, let’s face it, they aren’t.  Behold the Law of Nazis, developed by moi: Under no circumstance can a person be considered a Nazi simply because they disagree with you.  A Nazi is a Nazi.  For a similar reference, click here for Jon Stewart.  At any rate, AbuKhalil, for a more substantial criticism, is unwilling to tolerate the possibility that someone who doesn’t agree with him could be right.  This is the sort of thing that was the hallmark of Bush, and it was why I disliked him so much.  Let’s be honest, if the situation were reversed, does anyone think that the Palestinians, merely human as they are, would really do better?  (Which isn’t to say that the Israelis have done a really good job, because they haven’t.)  Calm down, As’ad.  Before your heart explodes from rage.

And for the third Calmy, that goes to KABOBfest, a blog with definite opinions on Israel and the U.S.  I won’t go into their opinions much, because I think that their header makes them abundantly clear.  It’s a group effort, which may be good, because I’m not sure a single person could support this much agitation and not have regular heart attacks from rage.

The whole point of this is not really to criticize people.  I would just like people to calm down and stop pissing themselves so much.  Relax every so often and talk about something that won’t start people foaming at the mouth.  Sports.  Jokes.  I don’t know, whatever you like.  Just calm down, and don’t close your mind.  That’s all I ask.  And that concludes Let’s All Calm Down Now: Gaza Edition.